Ep41: Medieval Murders

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep40: Casino Crimes

Come join the Wine & Crime Gals Boozy Bingo

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Ep39: Militia Murders

Fucking PatriarchyMilitia

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Ep38: Sweet Revenge

The Wine & Crime Shit List - 1) Alan2) Wisconsin deer-fuckers3) Red Mini-Coopers4) Goddamn Shriners (won't take down the goddamn Frida sign)

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Ep37: Occult Crimes

Wine & Crime

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Ep36: Beyond Stupid — Petty BS

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Welcome to Wine & Crime, Home of the Wine & Crime, can I take your order?

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep35: Political Assassinations

(“hashhashinations”)

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Ep34: Stashed Bods

We know we put this week’s blog graphic somewhere… it’s probably just buried under a pile of dirty dishes and pet skeletons, hold on…

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Ep33: Hitchhiking Murders

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Ep32: Faking One’s Own Death

Dear Sallie Mae,

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Ep31: Criminal Profiling

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PS Don’t forget to check out Jim Fitzgerald’s 3 book series: A Journey to the Center of the Mind


Ep30: Workplace Murders

PINK SLIP

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep29: Dangerous Minds

Thanks to a recent MRI, we’ve discovered that all three of us W&C Gals are operating at slightly less than 10% of our brain capacities, so… here’s the blog graphic we could muster this week:

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Ep28: Cannibalism

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Ingredients:

1 cup water, or as needed

2 whole star anise

12 whole garlic cloves, or more to taste

1 (10-pound) long pig, bones, hair, and dermis removed

1 cup packed light brown sugar

1/3 cup honey

2 tablespoons Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons rice vinegar

1 1/2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1 (8-ounce can) pineapple rings 

1 cup maraschino cherries

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

2. Pour water, star anise, and cloves into bottom of a roasting pan. Place a roasting rack into pan, and place long pig on rack. Cut 1/4-inch deep slashes 1/2 inch apart lengthwise and crosswise across entire corpse, if they’re not already there.

3. Bake 20 minutes. Meanwhile, whisk together brown sugar, honey, mustard, vinegar, black pepper, and Worcestershire in a bowl until thick. 

4. Brush glaze over dead body. Continue baking, brushing glaze over every 20 minutes, until glaze is golden and an instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickets part of the long pig reads at least 160 degrees F, about 2 hours 10 minutes.

5. Remove carcass from oven. Use toothpicks to secure pineapple rings and cherries around the baked cadaver, and caramelize them over glaze with a kitchen torch until crispy, 2 to 5 minutes. 

Cook’s Tip: Be sure not to overcook your victim! Long pig tends to dry out easily. If you are concerned about this, loosely cover the human carcass in foil while baking to retain moisture. 

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep27: Forensic Odontology

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep26: Psychos & Socios

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Ep25: White Male Terrorism

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Check out The Figs here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8X0-SV2aY4

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep24: Trust Fund Murders

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Ep23: International Abductions

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Ep22: Wine & Crime LIVE!

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Ep21: Rage Blackouts

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Ep20: Beyond Stupid Thieves

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Ep19: Stockholm Syndrome

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Ep18: Axe Murders

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Ep17: Odd M.O. Murders

FBI Profile- Ahmad Suradji (aka Dukun AS)

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Ep16: Missing Persons

WINEANDCRIMEPODCAST@GMAIL.COM

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All joking aside, if you think you may have information regarding a missing person, or if you suspect someone you know may be missing, please contact the National Missing and Unidentified Persons System (www.NamUs.gov)

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep15: Catfishing Crimes

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep14: Mob Mentality Murders

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Ep13: Angels of Death

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Ep12: Exorcisms Gone Wrong

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Ep11: Psychotic Breaks

SamsPsychBreaks
Can you feel your brakes about to snap?
Do you often hear voices coming from under the hood?
Does your car refer to itself in the third person?
Do you suspect that your car runs on human blood?
Was your car adopted or born out of wedlock?
Do you often slide downhill very rapidly and without warning?
Have your loved ones recommended you get help for your car?
Does your car get worse every time you do PCP?
Is the dog in your passenger seat always telling you to drive faster and faster?
Have you ever suspected your car of plotting to blow up a federal building?

CheckYourself

…Give your brakes a break and come down to Sam’s Psychotic Breaks and Mufflers! With a state-of-the-art padded reception area and complementary salted peanuts, you’ll feel right at home while we’re diagnosing your auto issues.
Here’s a slideshow of our many satisfied customers! 

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep10: Blood Spatter

We got so jazzed about this week’s topic, that we decided to release a Limited Edition LP (heavily inspired  by Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “The Sound of Music”). Before the album drops, here are the lyrics to the Wine & Crime Gals’ first single. Enjoy!

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The Sound of Spatter / Favorite Things

Red drops on work boots
And threat’ning phone calls,
Swinging a hammer, blood spray on white walls,
Creeping behind her until she gets home,
These are the things I think while alone…

Glazed lifeless eyes and red pools congealing,
Contact or transfer,
stains have me squealing.
The glorious way Luminol clings,
These are a few of my favorite things…

Seepage and gushes, cast-off and gashes.
These are what set off my psychotic flashes!
Math may be boring, but protractors ‘n string,
These are a few of my favorite things…

When the cops come,
When the gun jams,
When she gets away,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Stilted love notes and one sketchy gyno,
Marble statue, murder weapon gone AWOL,
White collar shirts with streaks up their sleeves,
These are a few of my favorite things…

Litres been spilled and counting the death toll,
Strippers and cheaters and murderous assholes,
A hurried clean-up once the pager pings,
These are a few of my favorite things…

Babies in onesies, family camping,
Dingos come sniffing, shoulda gone glamping.
Forensic clues botched at the scene,
These are a few of my favorite things…

When the blood stains
Are just cola
When the spatter’s sand,
I simply remember a dingo’s to blame
And then I don’t feel so bad…

Songwriters: The Wine & Crime Gals
The Sound of Spatter / Favorite Things lyrics © Wine & Crime Podcast Inc.

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep9: Lucky Bastards

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Case Studies 1 & 2: 

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Homework Assignment: 5 paragraph essay comparing Robert “Willie” Pickton and Buffalo Bill from the film “Silence of the Lambs.”  (DUE next Thursday. Late assignments will not be accepted.)

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep8: Killer Kids

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Additional details about this vacant position can be found here:

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep7: Cruise Ship Disappearances

CRUISE LINE

Yearning for a getaway with sun, waves, and no guarantee of safe return? Climb aboard the Wine & Crime International Cruise Lines!

We offer all the luxurious amenities discerning guests expect of a 5 star vacation, including creepy bass players, confusing cutlery, 3AM jogging clubs, and food service quality that makes CDC inspectors cringe. What more could you want?

 DISCLAIMER

  1. Wine & Crime International Cruise Lines makes absolutely no guarantee for safe passage, a seaworthy vessel, adequate and wholesome food, or sanitary and safe living conditions.
  2. Wine & Crime also bears no responsibility for your choice of spouse and/or vacay hookup.
  3. Cruise ships are horrifying and terrible.
  4. Even if you survive the voyage, there’s a good chance that all the toilets will stop working and you’ll be forced to poo in a makeshift bedpan in your C-class cabin for a week while stranded on the open ocean.
  5. Your inevitable disappearance will NOT be investigated or reported to any relevant authorities, and it WILL be assumed to be a suicide. Your family will not be notified.
  6. By purchasing a ticket, you are relinquishing your legal rights to the justice system of wherever the fuck this ship is flagged. Probs Panama or Liberia.
  7. You may or may not be sex trafficked or hunted down by Israeli assassins coming down from their recent trip to Universal Studios.

Here’s a slideshow of a handful of Wine & Crime International Cruise Lines’ many satisfied customers:

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep6: Munchausen’s Syndrome

Worried either you, or a loved one, has Munchausen’s and/or Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome? Use the Wine & Crime handy Symptom Checker tool to identify whether you, or someone you love, is a fucking twisted monster!

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Werewolf-Level Hair Growth

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, seek professional medical advice ASAP.

High-risk factors include:

  • Free trips to Disney World,
  • A morbidly obese parent,
  • Growing up in a trailer full of veteran diabetics wearing too many sweaters,
  • Owning a teacup Chihuahua,
  • Frequent hospital-hopping,
  • Not knowing your own age,
  • Writing multiple depressing autobiographies about your childhood and/or loving life in prison.

Slideshow: Munchausen’s & Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome

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The only known effective treatment for Munchausen’s and/or Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome is binge-listening to the Wine & Crime Podcast. Severe cases should definitely also support the podcast on Patreon. (Hurry! You may not have long to live!)

Xoxo,

The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep5: Crimes of Passion

In the spirit of this episode, the Wine & Crime Gals decided to give our listeners some (obviously MUCH NEEDED) love and relationships advice. So pour yourself a glass of The Affair pinot noir and absorb these (life-saving) tips:

DO count your husband’s Viagra pills and meticulously record your findings in a diary. (And no, he’s not using them to masturbate.)

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DON’T engage in handcuffed, blindfolded sex whilst undergoing home repairs. That circular saw does not belong in the bedroom, no matter what your girlfriend says.

DO take the time to conduct an exhaustive search for your severed penis in a field. That shit can be reattached! Praise be to modern medicine!

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DON’T photograph your boyfriend moments before you murder him. Or attempt a self-defense trial strategy when said murdered boyfriend was found butt-ass naked in the shower.

DO carry a hammer in your purse at all times. You never know when that thing will come in handy (for bludgeoning your cheating fucking bastard of a husband to death at the kitchen table).

DON’T let you girlfriend wear panties with your name on them. THIS IS A RED FLAG.

DO star in a porno and launch your own hair band after you become a household name for getting your dick cut off. Make that paper.

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DON’T help your Tinder date bury her dismembered ex in the garden. At least not on the first date. Make ’em work for it.

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DO attempt suicide in the most dramatic and British way possible by threatening to jump off the cliffs at Beachy Head to a soundtrack of soothing ocean sounds.

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Xoxo,

The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep4: Peeping Toms

Ever wondered what Lady Godiva, every pervert in the state of Georgia, and John Cougar Mellencamp, have in common? Wine & Crime has got you covered.

But first, a classic film recommendation: Peeping Tom (1960) was a career-ending box office disaster for director Michael Powell, but has since become a bit of a cult classic, and professed favorite of Martin Scorsese (perv, just kidding, are we kidding?). Spoiler Alert: Its villain is a homicidal cameraman with a dagger jerry-rigged onto his tripod. Two thumbs up!

Speaking of movie buffs, here’s the tale of the Kovynev Brothers of Duluth, GA. These fellas had a pretty good thing going, spying on unsuspecting women in the ladies’ toilets of the local Venture Value Cinema.

They approached their peeping like Tom Cruise in a Mission Impossible movie, crawling along the ceiling between the men’s and ladies’ toilets. (SEE DETAILED DIAGRAM ABOVE) One day, however, their scheme came crashing down when the ceiling failed to hold their weight. LOL facepalm, amirite?!

Don’t worry, we have more tales of shit hitting the fan for toilet poopers peepers. One fella learned the importance of familiarizing one’s self with one’s recording equipment before trying to spy on Porta Potty users. His terrible accidental selfies got him some well-earned jail time. But that dude’s a total amateur compared to Kenneth Enlow, who literally crawled into a septic tank for his “hobby.” He was so covered in feces when he was discovered that the authorities had to clean him off with a fire hose. #Dedication #SquadGoals

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And last but not least, the beer-sipping, cig-smoking, knob-turning, ex-personal injury lawyer and all-around winner, Eugene Holcombe Buckle. He tried to claim in court that a stroke caused his predilection for peeping, but the jury didn’t buy it. (He also bears a striking resemblance to John Cougar Mellencamp…)

In conclusion, Peeping Toms are FAR from harmless socially awkward penguins sssssuckinonchilidawgs outside the Tastee Freez. They are disgusting toilet people. Never Forget.

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep3: Lesser Known Cults

Don’t know about you guys, but we’ve been too overwhelmed reading the news lately to write a fucking blog post. So just check out the latest edition of our fav newspaper, The Nizhny Novgorod Gazette. Kindly direct all letters to the Editor to wineandcrimepodcast@gmail.com.

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The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep2: Arson (oh ya, hot topic)

Because we’re basically clinical psychologists, allow us to administer this questionnaire to determine your risk level for becoming a serial arsonist piece of shit:

  • In a dream state, has a Native American on a horse (or, equally, Cher from the “Half-breed” video) ever told you to set fire to an unreasonably flammable circus tent?
  • Would you ever consider changing your name to Bruce Lee?
  • Have you unhealthily repressed years of being bullied for your physical deformity/speech impediment/skin condition/traumatic brain injury/non-binary gender identity?
  • Have you ever been blackmailed (by a fucking twerp who has it coming) for engaging in surreptitious homosexual contact?
  • Do you have an irresistible urge to join the fire department and live out your pathetic Authority Complex by chasing down low-level crooks with the fire truck?
  • Are you eerily good at catching pigeons?
  • Is the thought of murdering 87 people fine, but throwing away your favorite pair of jeans utterly inconceivable?
  • Do craft and hardware stores give you an erection and inexplicable need to write terrible prose?

Congrats! If you answered ‘Yes’ to two or more of these questions, you are probably a serial arsonist. On the other hand, if you regularly shout “Patriarchy!!!” in your daily life, you’re fine. Carry on.

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PS After listening to this episode, you should know not to ever question a member of the service industry about Fire Code violations. Or victim blame Angeleena. (Yes, that’s apparently how she spelled her fucking name.)

Xoxo,

The Wine & Crime Gals


Ep1: Everything You Never Wanted to Know about Necrophilia!

Necrophilia is one of society’s deepest buried secrets. But never fear, the Wine & Crime Crew has dug into the topic, unearthing the funniest facts and creepiest crimes of this bizarre taboo. Enjoy!

10 (Official) Tiers of Necrophilia:

  1. Role Players: People who get aroused from pretending their live partner is dead during sexual activity.
  2. Romantic Necrophiliacs: Bereaved people who remain attached to their dead lover’s body.
  3. Necrophilic Fantasizers: People who fantasize about necrophilia, but never actually have sex with a corpse.
  4. Tactile Necrophiliacs: People who are aroused by touching or stroking a corpse, without engaging in intercourse.
  5. Fetishistic Necrophiliacs: People who remove objects (e.g., panties or a tampon) or body parts (e.g., a finger or genitalia) from a corpse for sexual purposes, without engaging in intercourse.
  6. Necromutilomaniacs: People who derive pleasure from mutilating a corpse while masturbating, without engaging in intercourse.
  7. Opportunistic Necrophiliacs: People who normally have no interest in necrophilia, but take the opportunity when it arises.
  8. Regular Necrophiliac: People who preferentially have intercourse with the dead.
  9. Homicidal Necrophiliac: People who commit murder in order to have sex with the dead.
  10. Exclusive Necrophiliac: People who have an exclusive interest in sex with the dead, and cannot perform at all for living partners.

But let’s be honest, this list just ain’t cuttin’ it. So we’ve added a few bonus tiers. Because, you know, we’re totally qualified to do that.


The Wine & Crime Additional (Trust Us, We’re Experts) Tiers:

Homosexual Heartthrob DIY Experimental Necrophiliacs 

Jeffrey Dahmer was a low-key heartthrob of the 1980s Milwaukee gay scene, semi-functional alcoholic, and deranged homicidal necrophiliac. How’s THAT for a Tinder profile?

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Not just known for his killer cheekbones, Dahmer has become legendary for the morbid DIY projects he embarked on with each victim. In one fatal experiment, Dahmer poured acid into the skull of a still-living Laotian boy, took a quick break to go on a liquor run, and returned to his victim sitting on the front porch being comforted by concerned passersby. They had already called the police, but Dahmer still managed to talk his way out of an arrest. Unfortunately, his proficiency at baking couldn’t compare to his gift for gab, but that Pinterest Fail is a whole ‘nother story.

Asexual Russian Paternalistic Necrophiliacs

Between 2001 and 2011, the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod experienced a bizarre surge in grave-robbing, leaving the authorities perplexed. Little did they know that the man they would turn to for help, local cemetery expert Anatoly Moskvin, was possessed by a macabre obsession…

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Described by some as a “genius,” Moskvin’s horrific hobby involved mummifying the remains of 29 girls and women, and holding birthday and tea parties with them in his two-bedroom apartment. But there’s no evidence that he fucked any of them. So, there’s that.

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Vengeful Narcissistic Incestuous Necrophiliacs

Edmund Kemper III never did anything half-assed. He didn’t just murder his abusive mother, you better believe he fucked her dead corpse too.

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After indulging his deathly Elektra Complex, Kemper went on to kill and violate at least six co-eds. It makes sense that Kemper liked brainy women… he liked to have sex with severed heads, after all. An ornery old bugger in his later years, Kemper didn’t get on too well with his fellow inmates. Just ask Herbie Mullin. (He liked peanuts.)

Teenage Equestrian Moronic Necrophiliacs 

As a teenager, Bryan “Dead Deerfucker” Hathaway gained international notoriety by fucking some roadkill. He would later graduate to shooting a neighbor’s horse in order to get his jollies off. Ya sure, just your average Wisconsin boy.

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If you’re upset by the blatant injustice of incarcerating a serial bestial necrophiliac and cop harasser, then join the Free Bryan Hathaway Campaign and become a part of one of the most important social justice causes of our time. (No link though, we’re pretty sure it gave us a computer virus.)

Xoxo,

The Wine & Crime Gals